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  #91  
Old 11-17-2008, 04:29 PM
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Good one Licia!
As we are on a bus theme:

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was
waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it

was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to
allow her
leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would
give
her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to
unzip her skirt
a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once
again,
much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a
little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her
up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,
"How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree
with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured
we was friends."
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  #92  
Old 11-17-2008, 04:43 PM
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OMG!!!! That was good!
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  #93  
Old 11-17-2008, 04:57 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RLRambler View Post
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree
with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured
we was friends."
ha!! texas is the friendly state!!
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  #94  
Old 11-17-2008, 05:57 PM
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Default You're the Father of one of my kids

A guy goes to the
supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at

him. She says hello .
He's rather taken back because he can't place where

he knows her from. So
he says, 'Do you know
me?'

To which she replies,
'I think you're the father of one of my
kids.'
Now his mind travels
back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to

his wife and says, 'My
God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party

that I made love to on
the pool table with all my buddies watching while

your partner whipped
my butt with wet
celery?'

She looks into his
eyes and says calmly,


















'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
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  #95  
Old 11-17-2008, 06:12 PM
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A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"


"The funeral director," said his wife.
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  #96  
Old 11-17-2008, 06:15 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DaveDees View Post
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"


"The funeral director," said his wife.
AMEN to that one!!!
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  #97  
Old 11-18-2008, 07:09 AM
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RLRambler RLRambler is offline
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Default Favorite Sex Position!

It has been studied and determined that the most often used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs... And the wife rolls over and plays dead.
_________________________
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If I knew then what I know now.................I would still have done it..........But enjoyed it more!

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  #98  
Old 11-19-2008, 12:49 PM
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Default Dark in here!

A woman has an affair during the day
while her husband is at work.
Her nine-year-old son comes home
unexpectedly, sees the lovers hard at it
and hides in the bedroom cupboard to
watch. Then the woman's husband
unexpectedly comes home.

She hides her lover in the cupboard,
not realizing that her little boy is in
there already.
The little Boy says: 'Dark in here.'
The Man says: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a soccer ball, do you want
to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My dad's outside, I'll call him
if you don't buy it!'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$150-00.'

A few weeks later it happened again and
the boy and the lover were in the
cupboard together again.
Boy: 'Dark in here'.
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have soccer boots.'
The Man, remembering the last time,
asks the boy: 'How much?'
The Boy says:'$350-00.'
The Man says: 'Fine, I will buy them.'

A few days later, the Father says to
the boy: 'Grab your ball and boots,
let's go over the park and have a game.'
The Boy says: 'I can't, I sold them for
$500.'
The Father says: 'That's terrible to
overcharge your friends like that...
$500 is way more than those two things
cost. I'm going to take you to church
and make you confess your sins.'

They go to church and the father makes
the little boy sit in the confession
booth and he closes the door.

The Boy says: 'Dark in here.'

The Priest says: 'OH NO................Don't start that sh*t
again!'
__________________
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Les.
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  #99  
Old 11-19-2008, 12:56 PM
hh53helomech hh53helomech is offline
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While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are

all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar, and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

This time the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced, and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'



The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.
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  #100  
Old 11-19-2008, 12:58 PM
hh53helomech hh53helomech is offline
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Cowboy is driving down a back road in Texas . A sign in front of a restaurant reads:


HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL

Lobster Tail and Beer




“Lord almighty” he says to himself, “my three favorite things!!”
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