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  #1  
Old 11-07-2012, 03:17 AM
Oldskoolram Oldskoolram is offline
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Unhappy Just found out my wife is having an affiar/need help!

Well I have to say that my life at this moment is not just in the toilet but under it. Ijust found out yesterday that she is having an affair with a coworker and uh a few others since september but the main on is the coworker. I will start off with a litle back story to bring you up to speed. And I apologize if this is kinda long so here goes.

We have been married for 11yrs and have known each other since highschool,yup highschool sweethearts. We are three years apart I am 37 and she is 34. Life was good until sept/oct of 2010. I had been layed off from a very good paying job in april and things were starting to get hairy financialy,bills etc. Oh BTW we have three girls 10yrs and twins at 10mo. So it wasnt until about mid december when the alamr bells started to go off in my gut. Now my gut has been compared to columbo many times in my life,as I have spotted two affairs for close friends and been able to figure things out in movies and books like CSI,LAW and Order and the like. But to my surprise it took a while for it to act for me. So all the signs were there and I was soo busy with work(making a third of what i used too) and everything else accosiated with the daily life that I mistakenly over looked them at first. So I started to pay attentions to these and digging for answers. As it turned out those "girls night out" were becoming more frequent since october right after her birthday. Now by mid december ol columbo had his nose to the ground and was starting to gather evidence. I found numerous thing like unusual receipts,gruarding her cell phone like fort knox, phone was always on vibrate or silent,staying up late"surfing the net of her phone" or on facebook because she was restless and couldn't sleep. But these just didn't add up. So one morning very early I did something I felt was "my right to know" given the situation I was facing and I swiped her phone while she was sleeping and ,well yeah I saw a whole lot of crap. So I forwarded all of this to my phone and Did another silly thing by getting her brother involved. He is probably one of the most tech savy people I know and he Managed to help me uncover more. Ok so I busted her,we talked and she swore that she was so sorry and that all of that was over. We made up,agreed to work on our problems and move forward. I should have dug deeper and ask a shitload more questions but at the time I just wanted the woman that I love deeply back. I also should have gone to therapy or counciling but didnt,my mistake because in dec of 2011 I messed up and had a one night stand with a stripper/prost,and yes I know two wrongs dont make a right. As I had never done anything like this before and a fellow coworker had put me up to it(and I know this is no excuse for my actions) after a few weeks I gave in to my curiosity and did it. Not proud of it and have since been on the very straight and narrow,going to church,being good to my kids and wife,doing everything a man should to be the best father/husband possible. so ast forward to june of this year, I still had been struggling with this huge mistake I had made but could not find the right time or way to tell her. Not to worry,that "friend of mine" took care of that for me as he was making advances at my wife behind my back. Until she one day flat out told him NO,she loves me and would never betray her husband like that ever again. Welll you guessed it,he let the skeleton out of the closet. so since june I have dont everything she has asked,go to a therapyst,seek counciling,group therapy etc. Now to the point I am asking for help. ol columbo started singing about a week ago when her mood suddenly changed and all those little clues started to pop up again. Only this time she was better equiped to hide the affair as now because of my screwup she has learned,but sadly not enough to fool my gut. Now I have been digging and watching for a week straight and looking and the events of the past three months and yes,"girls night out" was back as well as fort know and many others(I can go into details if anyone suspects the same just ask). So am 90%sure that my gut is correct and as my wife is a very poor liar,I contfonted her with what I had and implied I had more(which I did,Source untold). Well after a few minutes she craked and spilled the beans,not one but several occurances back in 2010/2011 with several men,but she was at it again with as many as 4 so far and the best part is one of them is a coworker she has known for many years(oh it gets better). So I focus on the coworker because the other three were poor judgement mixed with a smooth talker and alcohol,so she says. Well the worst psrt of this is she not only cheated with the coworker ove the last couple of weeks as my job has me working days and nights,but to my own shock and horror she brought this scumbag into my house and did the nasty not once but three times,twice in our bed and once in the livingroom on the couch. Now I may be a little bit dense here but what the hell should I do about this as she has confesed and says that she may have trouble letting this scumbag go. She has pleaded with me to not tell her family as she has just managed to repair the damage from her first affair(yes singular,because they dont know about all the other men) So i need help here guys and girls,what do I do with her,and keep in mind we have three beautiful girls to consider. thanks for listening and I my need to contact a lewyer on this as well.
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Old 11-07-2012, 06:06 AM
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Oh my this was an interesting post to stumble across at 5:45 in the morning. For starters I think even you might know this isn't the most appropriate medium to put this kind of information on. but I can sense your struggling and probably desperate for answers. (Now I'm only 22 but I think anyone can see a failing relationship when it's put in front of them). The sad truth is I am willing to bet you and her could work this out 100 times and it will just keep happening...and it will be worse and worse every time. So I say... (MIND YOU THIS IS ALL EASIER SAID THAN DONE)... I say save yourself the heartache and struggle of mending this broken and failing lie filled relationship. You have kids to worry about now...so they need to be your main focus. Coming from a separated family I know KIDS ARE STRONG AND UNDERSTANDING. More than you may think. It seems this will unfortunately be the path this woman will always be on so I say hop off that train, focus on raising your kids in the best manner with the options you have and just adapt.

I emphasize again...your kids. The best thing I can thank my *separated* parents for is being civil with each other no matter what caused them to separate. It is 1,000% better on the kids. So if you happen to separate permanently, think of providing the best environment you can for your kids. And as long as you can do that..be proud and know you did your job.

I'm sure people won't mind throwing a little advice your way through this forum but don't rely on this as your outlet and source of help. You need something more concrete to help u through an obviously difficult time. And when you are down at your worst...I got a few words that always helps me from my step dad who passed away this year...

As long as you are upright and breathing, everything else is a bonus.
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Old 11-07-2012, 11:01 AM
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I have to agree with the above. I too once was on a relationship similar to yours. and I will say, keeping it short and sweet, the best part was getting out. I too loved this girl once, she was my first wife and didnt want to accept that i failed. Well in the long run i have learned she failed! She too slept with a coworker. Gather your strength, family and close friends( you will need them for support) and just do what is best for the kids and get out out of the lie. Its not going to be easy but it sounds like you are a strong man with a good heart and the right ideas. You have the right idea in seeking God too, dont ignore your gut feelings. I am sorry that this has happend i totaly understand the pain you are going through.
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Old 11-07-2012, 12:36 PM
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Go ahead and budget for all the child support your gonna pay and GTFO. I too sometimes have hints that I'm in your situation but so far have doing nothing what so ever. I always stay paranoid about it since it has happened before. At the end if the day you can't control what another person does what so ever. They make their own choices and you need to react to those choices. Either deal with it or leave.
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Old 11-07-2012, 12:44 PM
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Man, I feel for you and typically I DO NOT read such a long winded post, but yours definitely caught me attention.
Now I agree with those above, but truthfully......You say you go to church and I am hoping she does as well (This is only an assumption) and as the first responder said, this isnt the place for this, but I too also feel you are seeking answers....and well, why not ask people you dont know for their honest advice.

Here is mine.
I would give it 1 last chance (Heck, I may even give it more than that) and TRULY get commitment from her and check with yourself that is it.
1) Delete those Facebook accounts as they are good for nothing. I deleted mine back in 2007 and never looked back because past was coming back to haunt me and my wife for the worst.
2) As Christian man/family (My family is), I would pray about this with your wife and seek His guidance on this.
3) Have both of you sit down and talk like normal adults and have pics of your children there and truly decide, if it is worth it to work it out in the best interest of the kids, or to separate but have plans on how to minimize the risk on the kids.

I have 2 myself and CANNOT even imagine how to handle this situation as I love them too much to even be apart from them.

Not too sure if this helped in anyway, but it is truly a commitment on both ends.
If one is not committed, then there is only one solution

man, I feel for you and hope it all works out.
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Last edited by fastNugly @ BP; 11-07-2012 at 02:40 PM.
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Old 11-07-2012, 12:55 PM
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Well, My first wife was like that, wanted to be wild and free. She even brought women home and tried to get me to "do" them to even it up....nope, didnt happen. So I divorced her and got custody of my daughter... I made an attractive offer to her... I want full custody, she didnt have to pay child support and she could run wild and free. She moved to texas, North Carolina, Kansas...all over the damn place to get laid, oh well, I raised my daughter from the age of 3, she is a beautiful woman out of college today working full time.
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Old 11-07-2012, 12:59 PM
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I'd agree with all the above. Not the best place to air dirty laundry but whatever. I'd seek counseling if you want to work it out(both of you....and probably your kids too). Honestly though sounds like you both have some serious issues and are not right for each other if there's such little trust between the two of you. I wouldn't stay together for the kids, they'd get over a divorce, but having parents who are setting a horrible example for them(affair after affair) would be worse for them.
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Old 11-07-2012, 01:14 PM
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If your wife is otherwise a good mother, just get the divorce and do joint custody. My ex and I never fought over or in front of the kids and all 3 have turned out to be great people. Yeah it sucks not to be involved in their lives day to day but it's better than having them grow up in a household based on lies. Good luck.
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Old 11-07-2012, 01:15 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by snrusnak View Post
I'd agree with all the above. Not the best place to air dirty laundry but whatever. I'd seek counseling if you want to work it out(both of you....and probably your kids too). Honestly though sounds like you both have some serious issues and are not right for each other if there's such little trust between the two of you. I wouldn't stay together for the kids, they'd get over a divorce, but having parents who are setting a horrible example for them(affair after affair) would be worse for them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maddevill View Post
If your wife is otherwise a good mother, just get the divorce and do joint custody. My ex and I never fought over or in front of the kids and all 3 have turned out to be great people. Yeah it sucks not to be involved in their lives day to day but it's better than having them grow up in a household based on lies. Good luck.
Good point guys!
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Old 11-07-2012, 02:27 PM
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you know what they say about 2nd chances, you gave her 1 already, had you known about the 6 other guys that would have been 7 chances. Would be one thing if she slept with 1 person, and so did you and that was it, fantacy time was over but it aint over for her she keeps going and going and now has another relationship? I would say before you go anywhere go to a lawyers office... good luck and sorry to hear what has happened.
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