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  #111  
Old 11-23-2008, 07:12 PM
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Love it...............
So near to home with Governer Spitzer!
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  #112  
Old 11-24-2008, 08:19 AM
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Little Johnny's Aunt Karen

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?" "Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.
She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"




"Stay the F$@K away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking

Last edited by LYC79; 11-24-2008 at 08:42 AM.
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  #113  
Old 11-24-2008, 08:33 AM
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Reps for that one..........Lol!!

Damn, it won't allow me to do it!
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  #114  
Old 11-24-2008, 04:42 PM
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LMAO!!!! Licia.........that was a GREAT one!!!!
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  #115  
Old 11-24-2008, 05:52 PM
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Thanks !!! I've found a site "learn english through jokes" ... too funny

I had this one in italian and now I've found it also in english ... again about "women and men":

1. NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2.EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3.MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor,a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

AND FINALLY.....
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep,"the wife replied, "in-laws."
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  #116  
Old 11-24-2008, 06:15 PM
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I wonder if we can deduct reps?
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  #117  
Old 11-24-2008, 06:33 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RLRambler View Post
I wonder if we can deduct reps?
Luckily no!!! ... Why? did I hurt your femal side
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  #118  
Old 11-25-2008, 01:59 PM
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Pobably been posted before, but:
What do you get if you play a Country record backwards?





Your truck gets fixed, your dog gets better...........................And your wife comes back to you!
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  #119  
Old 11-26-2008, 03:01 AM
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Dear Tide:



I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all
of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I
am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I
spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and
uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and
generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another
and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed
my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and
satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out
so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests
on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I
was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a
murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
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  #120  
Old 11-26-2008, 07:28 AM
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While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in.
I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot*******?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

- Traffic Ticket $95.00
- Court Costs $45.00
- Look on the Cop's Face............... PRICELESS!


ops ... I hope there are no cops here
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