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  #121  
Old 11-26-2008, 05:29 PM
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When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you.
Santa exploded and replied...................."You know what you can do with that tree!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
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  #122  
Old 11-26-2008, 05:50 PM
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LMAO, that was a good one, RL Rambler. I have an mp3 song that sounds just like your story.
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  #123  
Old 11-27-2008, 07:48 AM
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Hey......If it was good enough for Clinton..............


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  #124  
Old 11-27-2008, 07:52 AM
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LOL ... This is a good one !
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  #125  
Old 11-27-2008, 12:23 PM
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I don't get it?
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  #126  
Old 11-27-2008, 07:41 PM
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Turkey......Gobble.............Monica..........Blo w J...........
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  #127  
Old 11-28-2008, 02:01 AM
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... I love Bush face in the pic ... it's hilarious

Last edited by LYC79; 11-28-2008 at 07:55 AM.
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  #128  
Old 11-28-2008, 06:14 AM
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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do they symbolize?'


The man replied......................................... 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......
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  #129  
Old 11-28-2008, 07:21 AM
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Little Johnny went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well Johnny, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead."

After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.

Dear Jesus,
I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.
Your Friend,
Johnny
Now Johnny knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (a brat). So he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.

Dear Jesus,
I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.
Yours truly,
Johnny

Well, Johnny knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried again.

Dear Jesus,
I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle?
Johnny

Well Johnny looked deep down in his heart (which, by the way, was what his mother really wanted). He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and went running out of the house. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considered his actions.

He finally found himself in front of a Catholic church. Johnny went inside and knelt down, looking around, not knowing what he should really do. Johnny finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a statue of the Virgin Mary and ran out the door. He went home, hid the statue under his bed and wrote this letter:

Jesus,
I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike.
You know who.
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  #130  
Old 11-28-2008, 08:00 AM
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To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. and those who don't.... (as you well know ...I DO !!! )
a friend sent me this gem of wisdom and I would like to share it with you

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day,
at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop..

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, Whiskey or other liquor)
because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, ...........Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of s***

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service .

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