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  #141  
Old 12-02-2008, 05:22 PM
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A Lady rings her local hospital and this conversation follows:
'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?
''Do you know which ward she is in?
''Yes, ward P, room 2B
''I'll just put you through to the nurse station.
''Hello, ward P, how can I help?
''I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?

''I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that MrsTiptree's conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.

''Oh that's wonderful news. I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!
''You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?
''No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you f**k all in here...'
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If I knew then what I know now.................I would still have done it..........But enjoyed it more!

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  #142  
Old 12-03-2008, 05:40 PM
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LMAO Les !!!

I don't know why... I receive always jokes about women and men

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  #143  
Old 12-04-2008, 06:52 AM
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A blind man enters a Women's Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a
bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to
the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice,the woman next to him says,"Before you tell that joke, sir, you
should know five things:
1 -The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 -The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3 -I'm a 6 foot tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in
karate.
4 -The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional
weightlifter.
5 -The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional
wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says,



"Nah....Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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  #144  
Old 12-05-2008, 08:58 AM
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Those Braggin' Texans !

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen!

The woman asked the cowboy, "Is it true what they say about men with big feet?"

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't ya'll come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real embarrassed and flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

The woman replied, "Don't be embarrassed, just take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."
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  #145  
Old 12-05-2008, 10:48 AM
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Loved it Les

______________

Teacher asked Timmy: "why do you have your cat in class?"

Kid replies ( crying ): " I heard daddy tell mommy I'm eating that pussy when the kids go to school.... "
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  #146  
Old 12-06-2008, 10:55 PM
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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started
back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a
grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, Why did
you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your
private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen
before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied,
"My wife's first husband
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  #147  
Old 12-07-2008, 09:28 AM
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Date of Joke: Sunday, 25th July, 2004
CHILD : Dad, where did I come from?

DAD : Okay, we had to have this conversation some day!...... So why not now

DAD : Okay,

Now Listen.... Dad and mom met in a chat room on the net. I set up a meeting with your mom and we landed in the bathroom at the Cyber Cafe. Then, mom did some downloads from dads memory stick and when dad was ready to upload, We discovered that there was no firewall. Seeing that it was a bit too late to cancel, I just carried on doing the upload. Nine months later, the damn virus appeared!.

CHILD : Huh?
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  #148  
Old 12-07-2008, 02:16 PM
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Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends."

_

Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?"
Wife: "I clean the toilet."
Husband: "How does that help?"
Wife: "I use your toothbrush."

_

A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,"send me a brother"....
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"....
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  #149  
Old 12-07-2008, 04:43 PM
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One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.

So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.

The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"

Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"
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  #150  
Old 12-09-2008, 08:04 AM
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One day in the future, O J Simpson has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

'I don't know what to do here,' says the devil. 'You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a few folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.'

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

'No,' OJ said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long.'

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was George W. Bush with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time. 'No, this is no good . I've got this problem with my shoulder I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,' commented OJ.


The devil opened a third door.

Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, 'Yeah man, I can handle this.'

The devil smiled and said . . . .



(This is priceless)



'OK, Monica, you're free to go.'
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