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  #211  
Old 01-21-2009, 04:23 PM
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ITALIAN WOMEN are TOUGH!

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite ravioli wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite ravioli.


Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture.
His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the ravioli was already in his mouth.


With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.'Hands off!' she said. 'Those are for the funeral.'
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  #212  
Old 01-21-2009, 04:47 PM
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OMG Dave ... that's really hilarious !!!
dang... the one in the joke could be my mother-in-law lmao!
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  #213  
Old 01-21-2009, 05:58 PM
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Licia, I thought you might like that one. LOL
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  #214  
Old 01-21-2009, 08:43 PM
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hehehe....where have I read that one before, I wonder...
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  #215  
Old 01-26-2009, 11:08 AM
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Default 60-plus year olds

Q: Where can men over the age
of 60 find younger, sexy
women who are interested
in them?

A: Try a bookstore under "fiction".

Q: How can you increase the
heart rate of your 60-plus
year old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that
terrible curse of the elderly
wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for
these Crow's feet and all
those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull
them out.

Q: Why should 60-plus year old
people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they
park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year
olds to have problems with
short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem,
Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep
more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year
olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common
remark made by 60-plus
year olds when they enter
antique stores?

A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
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  #216  
Old 01-28-2009, 08:40 AM
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Default Sex Frog!

A Blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.

The sign says:

'SEX FROGS'

Only $20 each!
Comes with 'complete' instructions.



The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . .. NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point .. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions . please call the pet store.'

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'

The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:


'LISTEN TO ME!!
I'm only going to show you how to do this
ONE ... MORE ... TIME!!!'
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  #217  
Old 01-28-2009, 08:47 AM
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Default Family!

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within.
Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five yearsold, unmarried, and this thing is about as close asI'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away andleave me
alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroomdoor. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and thisthing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from ashopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the living room.
She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzinglike crazy.

The wife asked: ' WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with the nearest thing I have to a son-in-law.' Now go away and leave me alone!
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  #218  
Old 01-28-2009, 08:57 AM
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Good one Les ! THAT ARE BOTH TOO FUNNY !!!
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  #219  
Old 02-02-2009, 02:48 AM
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Default Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes
Better if you read them out loud, or they may not make much sense...

ENGLISH WAY
CHINESE WAY

That's not right.
Sum Ting Wong

Are you harboring a fugitive?
Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me ASAP.
Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man.
Dum Fuk

Small horse.
Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach?
Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped into a coffee table.
Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

I think you need a face lift.
Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here.
Wao So Dim

I thought you were on a diet.
Wai Yu Mun Ching

This is a tow away zone.
No Pah King

Staying out of sight.
Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile.
Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive.
Yu Stin Ki Pu

Great!
Fa Kin Su Pah

What's up!
Wa Sa Pen Ing

For the losers who didn't get it.
Yu fa kin dum
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  #220  
Old 02-02-2009, 07:48 AM
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Default Proof that men have better friends ...

A woman fails to come home one night. When she gets home the next morning she tells her husband she stayed at a friend's house. The husband calls ten of her best friends and none of them know anything about it.


A man fails to come home one night. When he gets home the next morning he tells his wife he stayed at a friend's house. The wife calls ten of his best friends. Eight of them confirm it and two say he's still there.
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