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  #221  
Old 02-03-2009, 04:04 AM
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A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.
The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!'
Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.
She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Skippy, get away from her, before she sh*** on you!'




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  #222  
Old 02-04-2009, 05:26 AM
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Default Latex gloves ...

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you' re going to smile when you think of this:
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his>gloves. ' Do you know how they make these gloves? ' he asked.' No, I don't, ' she replied.' Well,' he spoofed, ' there's a building in Canada with abig tank>of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves. Then they throw them into boxes of the correct size. '
He looked down and smiled at her, but she didn't crack a smile.' Oh, well. I tried, ' he thought.
But, five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing. ' What's so funny? ' he asked.
' I was just envisioning how condoms are made! '
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  #223  
Old 02-07-2009, 09:05 AM
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Default Tree Hugging!

The chief woman 'Greenie Tree-Hugging Activist', who was responsible for getting horses banned from National parks and State forests, was climbing a tree to have a look out over the forest when a Tawny Frogmouth Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.

In a panic to escape, she slid down the tree, getting a great number of splinters lodged in her crotch area. In considerable pain she hurried to the nearest doctor, and told him she was an environmentalist and how she got all the splinters.

The doctor, who was no environmentalist, listened with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited for 3 hours before the doctor reappeared. Angry, the woman demanded, 'What took you so long ?'

'Well...' replied the doctor, 'I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency; the Forestry Service; the National Parks and Wildlife Service; the Wilderness Society and the Department of Conservation and Land Management before I could remove 'old growth timber' from a 'recreational area !'
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If I knew then what I know now.................I would still have done it..........But enjoyed it more!

Les.
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  #224  
Old 02-10-2009, 02:57 AM
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An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping
in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned and replied, 'I didn't come down here to watch you
ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator".

Moral: Old men can still think fast
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  #225  
Old 02-13-2009, 03:56 PM
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Default The Gynecologist

A gynecologist had become so fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. "You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." This equaled an A. After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career.
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  #226  
Old 02-16-2009, 03:03 AM
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LYC79 LYC79 is offline
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Default

A policeman pulls a driver over for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow into a breathalyzer.
"I can't do that, officer, I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."
"OK, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."
"Alright, we could get a blood sample."
"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood, I could die."
"Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."
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  #227  
Old 02-16-2009, 04:11 PM
hh53helomech hh53helomech is offline
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Default

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose neatly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. “That sure is a nice fire truck,” the firefighter said with admiration.
Thanks, said the girl.
The firefighter looked a little closer, and he noticed the girl had tied the wagon to the dogs collar and to the cats testicles.
Little partner, the firefighter said, I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cats collar, I think you could go faster.
The little girl replied thoughtfully, You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.
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  #228  
Old 02-21-2009, 07:43 PM
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Default The wife from hell

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

I love this part....

"Only when he's been drinking."
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  #229  
Old 02-23-2009, 06:46 PM
BlueJet BlueJet is offline
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Default I am a Father

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man who
was reading a book, and noticed he had his collar
on backwards. The little boy asked the man why
he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was
a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his
collar like that.' The priest looked up from his
book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and
two grandchildren, and he doesn't wear his collar
that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father
of hundreds,' and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for awhile, and
then said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom and
put your pants on backwards instead of your collar!'
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  #230  
Old 02-24-2009, 03:57 AM
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LYC79 LYC79 is offline
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Default

lol sis! That was great


A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a
highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.She offers
him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands
him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady,
'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.
'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'

The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'
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