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  #231  
Old 02-28-2009, 01:43 PM
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LYC79 LYC79 is offline
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A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing
in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would
the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Men never learn.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think.
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  #232  
Old 03-06-2009, 05:40 AM
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Default The Banana Test

The Banana Test

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals, a Lion, a
Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel, who are standing under it. They
decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.
Who do you guess will win?
Your answer will reflect your personality.
So think carefully . Try and answer within 30 seconds
Got your answer?
Now scroll down to see the analysis.

...
...
...
...
...
...
...


If your answer is:

Lion = you're dull.

Chimpanzee = you're a moron.

Giraffe = you're a complete idiot.

Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.

A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.
Obviously you're stressed and overworked. You should take some time off
and relax! Try again next year.

Last edited by LYC79; 03-06-2009 at 05:43 AM.
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  #233  
Old 03-06-2009, 09:16 AM
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Dang, I guessed Lion.
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  #234  
Old 03-06-2009, 09:28 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chithead View Post
Dang, I guessed Lion.
Not bad ... I guessed Chimpanzee
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  #235  
Old 03-06-2009, 02:37 PM
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It was obviously the squirrel........................The nuts were too big to get into his mouth, so he took the banana instead!
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If I knew then what I know now.................I would still have done it..........But enjoyed it more!

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  #236  
Old 03-06-2009, 02:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RLRambler View Post
It was obviously the squirrel........................The nuts were too big to get into his mouth, so he took the banana instead!

LMAO

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  #237  
Old 03-16-2009, 04:45 AM
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Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons
and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight,' the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me.
They're for him. He's my brother. He's four.
We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike.
Right now, he can't do either one.'
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  #238  
Old 03-16-2009, 07:09 AM
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Default The Blonde Australian!

A Blonde Australian was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates..

'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly Australian souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of ?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are ?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' ?'

The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year ?'

The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda ?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T ?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year ?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve !'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure ?'

'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda ?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really !' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer ?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy ??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer ?'

(Scroll down)













'Easy,' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.'. . .
and the blonde entered into Heaven..........
__________________
If I knew then what I know now.................I would still have done it..........But enjoyed it more!

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  #239  
Old 03-19-2009, 07:36 AM
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Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it. If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son ?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open . So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time,"
(I just LOVE reading this next line)
"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"
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  #240  
Old 03-25-2009, 10:46 AM
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A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.
'No way! No needles! I hate needles,' the patient said.

The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects.
'I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!'

The Dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'

The Dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra tablet.'
The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'
...
'It doesn't,' said the Dentist, 'but it will give you something to hold onto
when I pull your tooth.
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