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  #251  
Old 04-14-2009, 01:52 PM
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Default Mom's In Therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children.

'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann, 'Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce, 'Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her
little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick , this guy has no idea
what he's talking about.

Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.'
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  #252  
Old 04-15-2009, 07:30 PM
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Made my day, thanks
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  #253  
Old 04-20-2009, 03:00 PM
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Default Scouting??

Dear Mum & Dad,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster, so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Ryan dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

Love as always
your only son
Johnnie
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  #254  
Old 06-09-2009, 03:38 PM
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Default

Gross... ^
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  #255  
Old 07-01-2009, 08:11 AM
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Default

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker
came up to the elderly widow and asked:

'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied. 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
'Hardly worth going home, is it?' she responded.
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  #256  
Old 07-09-2009, 04:36 PM
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A guy comes home early from a business trip. As the taxi pulls up in front of his house, he notices a strange car in his driveway. Suspecting his wife is having an affair he asks the cabbie, “How’d you like to make a quick hundred bucks?” The cabbie says, “Sure; what do I have to do?” The guy says just follow me and be my witness.”

The husband and the cabbie burst into the bedroom catching the man’s wife in bed with a stranger. The husband pulls a gun out of his dresser drawer and holds it to the stranger’s head. “My God!” cries the wife, “Please don’t shoot him, it’s all my fault!” She goes on, “I lied to you, I've been lying for a couple of years now...I’m not a high paid executive. I lost my job two years ago; I’m flat broke. I was depressed and met this man and we began an affair. But before you do anything rash, I must tell you, your season tickets to the Patriots? Well, HE paid for them. And the yacht, the yacht club dues, and the country club dues? He paid for all of that, too! He even paid for your executive box seats at Fenway Park as well as last year’s Superbowl tickets!

Shaken but still holding the gun to the stranger’s head, the husband turns to the cabbie and asks, “For the love of God, what should I do?”

The cabbie says, “I’d pull the blankets up over his ass so he doesn’t catch his death of cold.”
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  #257  
Old 07-13-2009, 10:00 AM
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Default The fishing trip...

Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, Dave had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home frustrated.

The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.

"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?"
"I didn't have to," Dave replied "Last week when I left our meeting, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the ol'lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'." "When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, ' Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want'......SO HERE I AM!"
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  #258  
Old 07-13-2009, 07:05 PM
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Default A Lawyer with a Heart!

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass ?'

'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'

'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.

'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.'

'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us, also.'

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me !'

'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind. 'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it. 'You'll really love my place.







'The grass is almost a foot high !' _________________________
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If I knew then what I know now.................I would still have done it..........But enjoyed it more!

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  #259  
Old 07-13-2009, 07:07 PM
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Default

A priest from Ireland was assigned to a Texas diocese.

One morning, Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:

'Good morning, this is Sergeant Jones, how might I help you ?'

'And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn.
Would ye be so kind as to send a couple O yer lads to take care of the matter ?'

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, 'Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites !'

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: 'Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin !!'
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If I knew then what I know now.................I would still have done it..........But enjoyed it more!

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  #260  
Old 07-13-2009, 10:06 PM
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Default

1. Never, under any circumstances, combine a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

10. The one constant among all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

12. Men are like a fine cheese. They start out as milk, and it's up to women to mold them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
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