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  #261  
Old 07-14-2009, 05:25 PM
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Dann Dann is offline
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Our alien locomotive engineer at the east lancs railway in Bury England. For any one intrested the classes of locos on this hertige railway in view are class 40, 31, 55, 33, 01.

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  #262  
Old 07-26-2009, 07:40 PM
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At dawn the telephone rings:

"Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto, what can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead"

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane?? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!"

"Yes, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod", she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Taylor Made Super Quad 460 golf club."

SILENCE...........LONG SILENCE..........

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep ****!!"
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  #263  
Old 07-27-2009, 04:16 AM
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LMAO !!! Good one anchorsaweigh
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  #264  
Old 08-04-2009, 11:26 AM
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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while
he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs
some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and
eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard
balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow
swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just
did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything
in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and
stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the
monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He
orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While
the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on
the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ass, pulls it
out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now? He
asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ass,
pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats
everything in sight, but ever since he had to **** out that cue ball, he now
measures everything first."
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  #265  
Old 08-05-2009, 05:06 AM
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Rotflmao!!!!!
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  #266  
Old 08-05-2009, 10:10 AM
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A locomotive engineer was walking around boasting to a bunch of friends, trying to make himself sound very important.

"I'm a certified locomotive engineer," he says. "They trust me to operate multi-million dollar pieces of equipment, hauling multiple thousands of tons of freight all over the country."

About the time he's finished saying this, another man walks into the room.

"All that is true," the newcomer says. "I'm a train conductor, and I can control that multi-million dollar equipment with a five dollar lantern!"


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  #267  
Old 08-05-2009, 03:35 PM
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A penguin pulls into a garage and tells the mechanic his car is leaking oil. The mechanic agrees to look at the car but tells the penguin it'll take about an hour. So the penguin goes into Friendly's next door to kill time and buys an ice cream sundae. But, since the penguin has no hands, he just pecks at it and gets it all over his beak.

An hour passes and the penguin goes back to the garage and asks the mechanic what was wrong. The mechanic says, "Looks like you blew a seal." The penguin says, "No, that's just a little ice cream."
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  #268  
Old 08-09-2009, 05:12 PM
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Down south, Mike called his attorney and asked, 'Is It true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin people to git cancer?'

'Yes, Sut, sure is true,' responded the lawyer.

'And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers



An fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?'

'Sure is, Mike.'

'And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when
she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?'

'Yep.'

'And that football player sued that university when he graduaided and still couldn't read?'

'That's right,' said the lawyer.'
'But why are you asking?'


'Well, I was thinkin.....

What I wants to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?'
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  #269  
Old 08-18-2009, 12:07 PM
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Talking

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she
decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to
paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her
husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of
paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy
parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks
her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she
replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are
dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She
replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it
said....

You'll love this.... Yep. I know you will...
...
...

"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."
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  #270  
Old 08-18-2009, 06:17 PM
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I've got one. Government Intelligence.
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