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  #271  
Old 08-19-2009, 02:07 PM
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Children's Science Exam

If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers...?

Q: Name the four seasons.?
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.?

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.?
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.?

Q: How is dew formed??
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.?

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour??(Brilliant, love this!)?
A: Keep it in the cow.?

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans??
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.?

Q: What are steroids??
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs...?

Q: What happens to your body as you age??
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental?

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty??
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.?(The kid gets an A+ for this answer!)?

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.?
A: Premature death.?

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)?
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.?

Q: What is the fibula??
A: A small lie.?

Q: What does 'varicose' mean??(I do love this one...)?
A: Nearby.?

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'?
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in?Rome.?

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
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  #272  
Old 08-19-2009, 02:24 PM
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I know this isn't really a joke, but it is pretty funny in my opinion. Just the biggest smart A remark
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  #273  
Old 08-22-2009, 05:41 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 98sst View Post
I know this isn't really a joke, but it is pretty funny in my opinion. Just the biggest smart A remark
LOL !!!


___ The Mexican Maid ___

Our Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'

Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'


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  #274  
Old 08-31-2009, 12:05 PM
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The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips, He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well,how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'



.
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  #275  
Old 09-10-2009, 10:05 AM
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The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." "Yes", she says, "I remember it well.."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, t hat sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows t hem.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."


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  #276  
Old 09-10-2009, 10:32 AM
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Borrowed this one:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Israeli doctor says 'medicine in my country is so advanced

that we can take a kidney out of one man and put it in another,

and have him looking for work in six weeks.'



A German doctor says 'that is nothing; we can take a lung out

of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work

in four weeks.'



A Russian doctor says 'in my country, medicine is so advanced

that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another,

and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'



An ILLINOIS doctor, not to be outdone, says 'you guys are way

behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of ILLINOIS ,

put him in the White House for EIGHT MONTHS, and now half

the COUNTRY is looking for work
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  #277  
Old 09-10-2009, 10:56 AM
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Default How did I do?

A man is drinking in a bar when this gorgeous woman walks in and sits next to him. They strike up a conversatio and he buys her a drink. This goes on until the bar closes, then she invites him back to her house.
They arrive, go indoors, where she takes his hand and leads him into her bedroom. She turns on the light and he is amazed to see the room is full from floor to ceiling with stuffed animals.
They climb into bed where they make mad passionate love for 45 minutes. When he gets his breath back, he raises himself onto one elbow and asks her "How was my lovemaking?"
She raises herself onto one elbow and sweeps her hand around the room saying.................................."You can have anything from the bottom shelf!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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  #278  
Old 09-23-2009, 03:32 PM
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A Missouri farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the door.

A young boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.

"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the farmer, "Is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."

"How 'bout your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to theother and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad?"

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "I'm sorry but you would really have to talk to my Dad about that," he finally conceded. "If it's any help to you, I know that Dad charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really have no idea how much he gets for Howard."
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  #279  
Old 09-23-2009, 04:21 PM
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How many divorced men does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? None , the men never get the house .
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  #280  
Old 10-08-2009, 08:43 PM
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Default My daddy is an exotic dancer

MY DADDY IS AN EXOTIC DANCER


One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers
did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic,
businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when
the teacher prodded him about his father, he finally replied, 'Okay...
my father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off
all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his
with some guy and stay with him all night for money.'

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the
other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin
aside to ask him, Is that really true about your father?'

No, the boy said, he actually works for the Democratic National
Committee and helped get Barack Obama elected President last year, but I
was too embarrassed to say that in front of the class.'
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