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  #301  
Old 10-30-2009, 06:11 PM
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LYC79 LYC79 is offline
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Default Shipwrecked

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man... Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the
sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi.

That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again... He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn’t had sex for months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.


He said, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
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  #302  
Old 11-04-2009, 08:54 PM
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RLRambler RLRambler is offline
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Default Old man!

An old man walks into the Confessional Box and tells the Priest," I am 92 years old, been married to my wife for 70 years. I have several children and grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up two college hitchhikers and made love to them both 3 times each!"
The Priest says,"Are you ready to attone for your sins?"
"Sins, what sins ?"says the old man.
"What sought of Catholic are you ?"asks the Priest.
"I'm Jewish !", answers the old man.
"Then why are you telling me ?" asks the Priest!
The old man replies,










"AT 92.......I'M TELLING EVERYONE!"
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If I knew then what I know now.................I would still have done it..........But enjoyed it more!

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  #303  
Old 11-04-2009, 09:12 PM
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Default Something else to be worried about

Something else to worry about .....

I'm not really concerned about swine flu. Here's my concern.

• 3 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the cow . . .
Mad Cow disease.

• 2 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the bird . . .
Avian flu.

• This year, Chinese calendar year of the pig . . .
Swine flu.

Next year is the year of the cock - Anybody else worried?
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  #304  
Old 11-04-2009, 09:16 PM
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Default

LMAO!! Both are good ones!!!!
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  #305  
Old 11-05-2009, 04:50 PM
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Default

Good ones!

______________________________________________

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to
have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall
of Fear, the ScreamingRoller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside
down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favoritecandy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed
exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.


'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna
get it wrong.
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  #306  
Old 11-06-2009, 12:23 AM
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Default

A man has a co-worker whom takes unusually long lunch breaks once a week. One week, just before lunch, another co-worker takes him aside and tells him, "It breaks my heart to tell you, but each week when Bill takes his long lunch break he is actually going over to your house and sleeping with your wife."

The man is in disbeleif and desides he must find out for himself. At lunch that day when Bill fails to return in a timely maner he rushes home. He bursts into the bedroom to discover that the informant was quite correct. Furious, he grabs a hold of Bill by his tender bits and drags him out to the garage. He slaps Bill's unit into the vice and the work bench and removes the slide. As Bill howls in pain he digs through his tool box and slams down an old hacksaw on bench next to Bill.

Bill manages to sputter, "You're not going to cut it off are you?" The man looks him dead in the eye then turns a picks up the gas can as he say, "No, you are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."
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  #307  
Old 11-13-2009, 05:58 PM
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Default

The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama. The stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special presidential commission presented the following findings:
The stamp is in perfect order. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.

90% of the people were spitting on the Wrong side.
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  #308  
Old 11-17-2009, 03:04 AM
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CdnoilRAM CdnoilRAM is offline
I push the skinny pedal


 
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Default Fast Sex

Fast Sex

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office...but she was dating someone else.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said,
'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you...
'The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'

Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor,
you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend... so she called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.'

She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls her on her cell phone and asks what happened...?

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply,

'The bastard had all quarters!'


Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.
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  #309  
Old 11-19-2009, 12:47 PM
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CdnoilRAM CdnoilRAM is offline
I push the skinny pedal


 
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Default Summer's coming...

You know summer's back on it's way when the girls start showing off their bellybuttons again...

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  #310  
Old 11-27-2009, 03:10 AM
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CdnoilRAM CdnoilRAM is offline
I push the skinny pedal


 
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Default

Sex after death
couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact,

"Marion ... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course .. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have s**e**x a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob you must be in Heaven!"

"Not exactly ... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona .."
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