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  #341  
Old 01-27-2010, 12:49 AM
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CdnoilRAM CdnoilRAM is offline
I push the skinny pedal


 
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Lol, these are a great set of jokes... I just see a trend here...
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  #342  
Old 01-27-2010, 01:29 AM
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some of these are soo funny
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  #343  
Old 01-27-2010, 11:04 AM
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Default Msrriage parts1,2,3!

Marriage (Part I )
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:


'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?'

His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be s*x here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'

(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)


************************************************
Marriage (Part II)


Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'

'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)


*****************************************

Marriage (Part III)


Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no
good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
She says, 'I was in bed.'

'In bed this early, doing what?'

'Getting a second opinion!'

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

*****************************************

Marriage (Part IV)


A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

*****************************************

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

*****************************************
God may have created man before woman, but there
is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

************** ***************************
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  #344  
Old 02-02-2010, 12:43 AM
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Default PETA people

Two colleagues are talking and the first asks the other, "Are you a vegetarian?" to which the second replies "No."

The first says "Oh, then you're one of the PETA people."

Confused, the second says, "The PETA I think you're referring to?"

The first says, "No, not the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, but the People who Eat Tasty Animals!"

- Cajun
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  #345  
Old 02-16-2010, 10:57 AM
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A lady goes into her bosses office to file a Sexual Harrassment complaint. The boss asks what comment was made. She replies, "Well Tom told me that my hair smells nice."

The boss responds "That really isn't grounds for sexual harrassment."

The lady says, "Normally yes, but Tom is a midget."
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  #346  
Old 02-18-2010, 12:41 PM
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A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."
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  #347  
Old 02-19-2010, 03:02 AM
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LMAO ^^^^! Funny stuff there!

- Cajun
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  #348  
Old 02-19-2010, 10:43 PM
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Man went into the store. Got everything on his unusual list- can of paint, bucket, a goose, and two chickens. As he was leaving the store, he was having problems managing such a varied load. A little old lady suggested that he put the goose in the bucket, carry the paint and bucket in each hand, and put a chicken under each arm. Surprisingly, it seemed to work. He offered to walk the old lady home, as she lived near him.

They came to an alley, and the man suggested they take a short cut through the alley, as it would be quicker. The little old lady asked if this were a ruse so that he could ravage her in the alley. The man replied "Lady, how could I possibly do that with all this stuff?" The little old lady replied "Set the goose down, put the bucket over the goose, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
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  #349  
Old 02-25-2010, 03:46 PM
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Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I real sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work.. You try that.'


Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say, I feel great. I be work soon......you got nice house'
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  #350  
Old 03-01-2010, 03:52 PM
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A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped
beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, 'Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir.
Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Next year tell Santa the dick goes
underneath the horse, not on top”.
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