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  #31  
Old 11-06-2008, 11:29 AM
hh53helomech hh53helomech is offline
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Got me a new truck:

Bought me a brand spank'n new Dodge Ram half-ton, last week,
but had to return it to the dealer yesterday,
as I couldn't get the damned radio to work.
The salesman then explained to me, that the radio was
wanna dem thar *voice activated* thingies.

'Nelson !!'........

the salesman said to the radio.
The radio replied,

'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie!!'

he continued,... &
*On The Road Again*
started playing on the radio.

Then he said,

'Ray Charles!!',

and in an instant
*Georgia On My Mind*
replaced Willie Nelson.

Hot Damn !!!.....I thought,
& drove away happy as a pig in shit !!!!
For the next few days,
every time I'd say,

'Beethoven'....

I'd get beautiful classical music,
and if I said,

'Beatles'

I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, some Mexicans ran a red light,
and damned near creamed my brand new truck !!!!!!!
Luckily,...... I swerved in time to avoid them.
I then yelled,

'Ass Holes!!'
Immediately,.. the Iranian National Anthem began to play,
sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand,
backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks,
with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums,
Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine,
Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax
and Ted Kennedy on Scotch.

Damn !!!, I *LOVE* this truck!!
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  #32  
Old 11-06-2008, 11:33 AM
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MeanGirl MeanGirl is offline
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rotflmao!!!!!
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  #33  
Old 11-06-2008, 11:37 AM
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MeanGirl MeanGirl is offline
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Subject: lawnmower

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that
I should get it fixed. But, somehow, I always had something else to take
care of first, the truck, the car, and fishing, always something more
important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again, I handed her a
toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "You might as well
sweep the sidewalk."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is a husband.
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  #34  
Old 11-06-2008, 11:41 AM
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Talking

When you have an

'I Hate My Jobday'

[Even if you're retired,
you sometimes have those days]

Try this out:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made byJohnson & Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box andread it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

'Every Rectal Thermometer made byJohnson &Johnson ispersonally testedand then sanitized. '

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometerquality control department at Johnson &Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS
ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...
Then you are just an old sour fart;
Maybe you should go and work for Johnson & Johnson!!!!!
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  #35  
Old 11-06-2008, 11:43 AM
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k....eeeewwww, that is just wrong!!!
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  #36  
Old 11-06-2008, 11:48 AM
hh53helomech hh53helomech is offline
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This sounds like a good procedure to relieve the pain.
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn,
specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital,
and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in,
the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline,
electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked,
'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition,
but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.
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  #37  
Old 11-06-2008, 11:52 AM
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omg!! that is funny, need to send it to my hubby and my dad!!!
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  #38  
Old 11-06-2008, 12:13 PM
hh53helomech hh53helomech is offline
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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is
not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible;
I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'


The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.
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  #39  
Old 11-06-2008, 12:15 PM
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MrDodge300 MrDodge300 is offline
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TALKING CLOCK

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.



'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock?

Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'Yup,' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound
and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment . . . . . . .
?

Suddenly, someone on the oth er side of the wall screamed, 'You *******! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'




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  #40  
Old 11-06-2008, 12:16 PM
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MeanGirl MeanGirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hh53helomech View Post
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is
not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible;
I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'


The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.
I bet it was a closed casket!!!
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