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  #41  
Old 11-06-2008, 11:42 AM
peshields peshields is offline
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Here's a Couple

"Its not looking to good, they just replaced the Rose Garden at the White House with a watermelon patch.."

ATTENTION ALL WHITE PEOPLE:
You are to report to the cotton fields tomorrow at 7 am for orientation
-President Obama
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  #42  
Old 11-06-2008, 11:50 AM
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ouch....now that is wrong....lol
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  #43  
Old 11-06-2008, 11:53 AM
peshields peshields is offline
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A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:

1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
1 can of Soup For One
1 16oz can of Miller Lite

The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "Single, are you?"

The woman smiles sweetly and replies, "How did you guess?"

He replies, "Because you're ugly."
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  #44  
Old 11-06-2008, 11:56 AM
peshields peshields is offline
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Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None." replied Johnny,"'cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking." Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking."
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  #45  
Old 11-06-2008, 12:00 PM
hh53helomech hh53helomech is offline
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Purina Diet
I have 2 large dogs, and was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

The woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

Duh!!

On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time. But I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an Intensive Care ward with tubes everywhere and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was standing behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt and a car hit me.

I thought the guy standing behind her was going to need help as he staggered to the door laughing.
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  #46  
Old 11-06-2008, 12:02 PM
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First Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home. 'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said 'You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!'


2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to ;see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'Not this time!'

3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr.. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr.. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'

4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said, 'pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied, 'the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. 'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'


5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. 'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'


6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied, 'now just rest and let the poison work.'
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  #47  
Old 11-06-2008, 12:10 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hh53helomech View Post
I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt and a car hit me.
omg....fotcrotflmao!!!!
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  #48  
Old 11-06-2008, 12:58 PM
hh53helomech hh53helomech is offline
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SAD NEWS...

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment
community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection
and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities
turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry
Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and
Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a
man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in
show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was
not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on
half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty
old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough
and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by
his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the
occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone
else who may be having a crumby day and kneads it.
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  #49  
Old 11-06-2008, 01:04 PM
peshields peshields is offline
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roflmao!!!
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  #50  
Old 11-06-2008, 01:07 PM
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ditto....too cute!
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