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  #1  
Old 11-21-2008, 06:50 PM
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Default Christmas Gift Idea

Last weekend I saw something at the Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary, and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The consequences of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse effects on her assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference -- pretty cute, really -- and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries, thinking to myself, "No possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head ****ed to one side as if to say, "Don't do it, master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there???

My triceps, right thigh, were still burning and twitching. My face felt as if it had been shot up with Novocain and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

Still in shock
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  #2  
Old 11-22-2008, 02:16 AM
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... didn't know that a taser was so powerfull... Thanks God you didn't zap Gracie!!!
We don't have taser here in Italy, neither policemen can use it...
But tell me, directions didn't say something about "don't try it on yourself"??!! Anyway thanks for sharing your experience ...
And did your wife like the gift ?

Last edited by LYC79; 11-22-2008 at 02:18 AM.
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Old 11-22-2008, 09:58 AM
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After that experience, I wouldn't give it to her....................She will only have to threaten to use it and you will be in trouble!
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Old 11-22-2008, 05:30 PM
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lol....men, can't you just read the booklet and not try out everything?
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Old 11-22-2008, 05:38 PM
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I forgot to give credit where credit is due. I stole that from another site. Hope that counts.
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Old 11-22-2008, 09:51 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DaveDees View Post
I forgot to give credit where credit is due. I stole that from another site. Hope that counts.
it is STILL very funny and STILL very much just like a man....lol
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Old 11-23-2008, 12:59 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MeanGirl View Post
it is STILL very funny and STILL very much just like a man....lol
Yes, just like a loving man to make sure his wife is protected.....Is that what you mean?? At least he was trying to ensure that the thing worked before he gave it to her. LOL I'm just glad he was getting her a gun.
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Old 11-23-2008, 04:02 AM
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Gee Dave......you can take me off YOUR Xmas list......lmao!!
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Old 11-23-2008, 06:54 AM
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This year I have the perfect gift for the Grand kids. I will send them all a box of Batteries, with the message on the outside........................Present not included!
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Old 11-23-2008, 09:38 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlueJet View Post
Gee Dave......you can take me off YOUR Xmas list......lmao!!
I guess you don't want the pedals then?? But you know I'd have to step on them to see if they work as stated by the mfr just to ensure your safety. BTW, I've looked high and low and can't find them to see what they look like.
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