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  #1  
Old 01-27-2010, 09:18 PM
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Default Heightened Threat Levels

Across the world, Security Threat Levels and Alerts are inching up. Here's the latest:

England:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the English issued a
"Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Scotland:

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years.

France:

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide".

The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."

The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the
country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.

Germany:

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."

They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgium:

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

Spain:

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.

These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

United States:

Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.

And in the southern hemisphere...

New Zealand:

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!"

Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which
is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia:

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate".

Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!" "I
think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie's cancelled".

So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final
escalation level.
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Old 01-27-2010, 09:20 PM
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Nice......................
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Old 01-27-2010, 09:22 PM
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HAHAHA.At Maddog. Thats good. Forgot about us Canadians there Maddog. Were up to ahh EH! dont get us BIT*/n about this. We are busy talkin about our weather
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Old 01-27-2010, 09:41 PM
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Actually, I've heard (but not verified) that the Canadians have raised their level from "EH!" to "Zed".

There are two other levels, now "Tabled" in Parliament, being considered: "2-4" (meaning Hide Your Molson and Labatt) and "Dudley Dooright" which will mobilize the RCMP to Alberta to protect the Stampede arena.

The Canadians have decided to forego referring to the miscreants as "Terrorists" or "Rag Heads" and have simply lumped them all into one category, "Keeners".

It is reported that no "Loonies" will be loaned to any of the "Keeners" who want to immigrate to Canada, nor will any "Pogey" be granted, eh!

In response to the Heightened Levels, it is reported that:

Esso, Petro Canada, Irving, Canadian Tire and Husky will cease fueling operations and re-organize as "Tim Hortons" in order to feed the displaced masses who failed to "2-4".

ps: if any of you need a translation of the Canadian Colloquiallisms, go here:

http://www.craigmarlatt.com/canada/s...adianisms.html
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Old 01-27-2010, 09:48 PM
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Our two highest levels are "Right, I put my beer down, now we can apologize properly" and "Just send the french in"
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Old 01-27-2010, 09:50 PM
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GOOD DAY EH!..........well done.
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Old 01-27-2010, 09:57 PM
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Michael, that was hilarious. I personally loved:

hockey gear
A guy can get onto a bus wearing goalie pads, a helmet - everything but the skates - and nobody gives him a second look. <-- I've seen this

Goods and Services Tax
Just about everything is subject to the national 7% GST, except in Atlantic Canada where the provincial and GST taxes have been combined to form the HST - Harmonized Sales Tax. <-- Also known as the Gouge and Screw Tax
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Old 01-27-2010, 10:35 PM
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I think I want to move to Australia
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Old 01-27-2010, 10:39 PM
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Yah me too. I like going down under
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Old 01-27-2010, 10:49 PM
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