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Old 10-24-2010, 10:59 AM
iRESQu iRESQu is offline
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Default It's Sunday and we need jokes!

A paraprosdokian, is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.

Here are some examples:

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
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Old 10-24-2010, 11:12 AM
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When someone claims to be an 'Expert'.....

The first thing that comes to my mind is:
"EX" = 'unknown'
"Spurt" = 'drip under pressure'

Therefore......"expert" = unknown drip under pressure....

Sorry, but it's been a tough week here. This is all I got!
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Old 10-24-2010, 12:20 PM
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Some pretty good ones there Paris, lotta truth to that, too! Rancher, you get an A for effort man, there's humor in that!

- Cajun
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Old 10-24-2010, 12:25 PM
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LOL Paris..there are some really good ones there!!!

I love George Carlin quotes and here's the results of my "research":

# When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

# When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

# If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

# When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

# I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

# If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

# Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

# What if there were no hypothetical questions?

# Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

# Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

# Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

# Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

# Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

# Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

# I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

# May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

# Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

# If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

# I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

# Electricity is really just organized lightning.

# Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

# "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

# Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

# If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

# Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

# Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

# I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

# Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

# I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

# There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
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Old 10-24-2010, 12:26 PM
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And some more from George, one of the hippest comedians on the planet after Lenny Bruce. I miss him...

# At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

# As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

# The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

# Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

# Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

# I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

# The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

# Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money!
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Old 10-24-2010, 12:53 PM
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Good ones.
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Old 10-24-2010, 02:40 PM
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bumper sticker.

I miss my ex, but my aim is getting better.
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Old 10-24-2010, 10:19 PM
iRESQu iRESQu is offline
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Oh My Gosh Michael, those were hilarious! Nice. George Carlin was right on in a lot of his beliefs!
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Old 10-24-2010, 10:46 PM
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New Ram Hybrid!

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Old 10-25-2010, 09:46 PM
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LOL, nice stuff there Michael and a lot of truth to it, too!

- Cajun
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